


Apathy is a Fog

by WinterRain232



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Caduceus Clay Needs a Hug, Caduceus Clay-centric, Character Study, Gen, I promise this is more sweet than sad, One Shot, POV Caduceus Clay, References to Depression, Short, and he gets one, caduceus loves his friends, saduceus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:14:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27477112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterRain232/pseuds/WinterRain232
Summary: Patience is fine, but it can curdle into apathy.That’s what Caduceus Clay had said to Yasha, and it’s a lesson he wished he learned sooner. He waited for ten years. Was patient for ten years and over time apathy had crept in.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay & Jester Lavorre, Caduceus Clay & The Mighty Nein, Caduceus Clay & Yasha
Comments: 2
Kudos: 62





	Apathy is a Fog

Patience is fine, but it can curdle into apathy. 

That’s what Caduceus Clay had said to Yasha, and it’s a lesson he wished he learned sooner. He waited for ten years. Was patient for  _ ten years _ and over time apathy had crept in. 

It didn’t start that way, of course. It started with days and weeks of anxious work, trying to keep up maintenance when he was all on his own. It started with finding reasons to rest as little as possible, so that he didn’t have to think. Didn’t have to focus on how uneasy he was. Didn’t have to realize just how  _ quiet _ the Blooming Grove had become. He kept it up season after season, and season after season his family failed to return.

Apathy is a cold numb thing and Caduceus had let it in willingly because it hurt less than the loneliness. It was better to feel nothing at all. The seasons kept changing; the time blurred together in his mind. He’d blink and it would be autumn. He’d wake up and realize winter had come.

He told himself it was right, that he was doing what the Wild Mother bid him, and that his family would return soon. He just had to have faith. He just had to be patient. 

The seasons kept changing, time pressed forward, and Caduceus let the apathy spread further and further. It was a fog that let him forget, let him not think about his family that still hadn’t returned, dulled the pain of being left behind. Being left alone. 

With the fog there, Caduceus didn’t have to think about the worries and fears that grew like creeping vines in his head. That his family hadn’t found a solution to the corruption, had all perished along the way, or had just decided to… not come back. They weren’t thoughts he liked to have, so he let the fog settle around his mind and kept on the same as before.

The grove had to be tended, the graves had to be kept up, the wall needed repairs. The seasons kept changing. His family still didn’t return.

Then a group of colorful adventurers came barreling into his life, and the fog thinned ever so slightly. He decided to go with them. He decided to help them.

Having other people there was a blessing. He could focus on them, on their problems, and keep the fog in place until he found his family. 

He wasn’t fully aware of the consequences of that apathetic fog until he almost drowned. He didn’t realize just how little he felt until he was feeling  _ a lot _ all at once. Sitting on the deck of the ship, desperately trying to remember how to  _ breathe _ he felt. He  _ felt _ for the first time in a very long time.

The fog he had welcomed for so many seasons was gone and without it everything was  _ more _ . More vivid, more grand, more terrifying, more real, more, more, _ more.  _ It overwhelmed Caduceus and it  _ scared him _ . He was scared, _ terrified _ of feeling again. 

Then Jester hugged him. And that was more too, but in a way that didn’t panic him. Looking around after that felt like he’d woken up. Like he’d been asleep for who knows how long, and now he was awake. He was really here, out at sea, helping these people, and… and he’d left his home. He had been so sure he never would. Positive that he’d never  _ need  _ to, and now he was miles and miles  _ and miles _ away from anything familiar.

Fear was still there, heavy on his mind, but with it was another thing, one that was much more welcoming, one Caduceus struggled to put a name to. Hope, anticipation, maybe even excitement. He didn’t know, but he clung to it like he’d clung to the hand pulling him out of the water just a minute ago. Jester was still hugging him, so he hugged her back and let himself feel.

Caduceus hoped those words helped Yasha, and he hoped he never let himself fall back into the fog of apathy again. Then again, being surrounded by bright, explosive, and brilliant people helped quite a bit. He was very happy to have them in his life, and he was very happy to be here with them.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, thanks for reading. This is just a short little fic I've had on my mind for a while and I wanted to get it out there.
> 
> Anyway, constructive criticism is welcome as are comments and kudos.  
> Hope you enjoyed! :D


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